ARE YOU GONNA BE FIRED?
According to almost all of the signs we are in a recession and layoffs have unfortunately affected our entire economy. So it is my duty to advise one and all how to spot the axe before it falls. For those of you hoping our government will save you, the odds of an alien invasion are much better.
Knowing you are about to be canned will give you the opportunity to institute survival strategies.These strategies include: preparing your parents for a possible return home or convincing your spouse that downsizing to a one bedroom condo is exciting, using office equipment to fax and e-mail your resume to every business in the free world, networking with everyone who received your resume, filling your apartment with office supplies, and pilfering coffee and sugar from the break room.
How was that last performance evaluation? No matter what kind of review you got, it was bad news if the boss used more than three re words. Sentences would be something like: The company may restructure; (reorganize, refocus, rethink, redistribute, reevaluate, reconsider, repair, replace, rescind, recycle, return or revert). It does not matter what, it just means that something is wrong and you are being told about it. That is almost never a good thing.
Was your last bonus 40 tokens from Chuck E Cheese and a two night stay in an Orlando time share? Was the 4th of July picnic BYOH (bring your own hotdog)? These are the kind of little signs that might go unnoticed by some, but thankfully you are forewarned.
Has your boss become your shadow? Does the person who could not remember your name at the last office party suddenly seem to be there every time you log on to an adult web site at work? Remember, when the boss takes a sudden interest in your welfare, look out.
Have your office pals disappeared? Will no one discuss projects that end after Friday? Have you been removed from the joke of the day e-mail list? Was the office Christmas party moved from the Ritz to the break room and catered by Taco Bell? Is your new office mate the president's son-in-law? Has your company car been replaced by a bus pass? Did the boss demand a cut of the Girl Scout cookie sales?
Beware of external events happening to the company. Was the company's accounting firm recently indicted? Has the CEO been led off in handcuffs on national television? Did the company officers hold their last retreat at Motel 6? Has the power to your office been turned off more than once for nonpayment?
Always be wary of new employees, especially if they treat you like dirt and have frequent lunches with the boss.a if the company's best looking women suddenly begin smoozing with the hygienically challenged personnel director prepare for the worst. If the mailroom clerk starts parking in your space things are looking grim.
When the boss gives you that speech about things working out for the best you can walk out with your head held high and a sign on your back saying, well I'm leaving that one to your imagination.